Sixteen years without alcohol has taught me that recovery isn’t a straight line. It’s a continuing journey of learning, healing and choosing yourself, one day at a time.
On 1 November 2010, I made a decision that changed the direction of my life.
I asked for help.
I was struggling, I knew I couldn’t continue as I was and I wanted something different. I didn’t know exactly what that would look like or how much my life would change. I simply knew that something had to.
Last year, when I celebrated 15 years without alcohol, I shared more of that story. I reflected on the woman I was then, the life I wanted and the gratitude I feel for the life I’ve been able to build since. You can read that here:
https://www.deeperawareness.co.uk/blog/2025/15-years-without-alcohol
This year, as I celebrate 16 years sober, I find myself reflecting on something a little different.
Not just on how far I’ve come, but on what recovery continues to teach me.
Because one thing I’ve come to understand is this:
Life isn’t linear. And recovery isn’t necessarily linear either.
Recovery isn’t a finish line
Sometimes we imagine healing as a journey from one place to another. We begin struggling, we do the work, we learn the lessons and eventually we arrive somewhere better.
Perhaps we imagine that, one day, everything will fall into place. The difficult feelings will settle, the old patterns will disappear and we’ll reach a point where we no longer need to look back; we’ll be perfect!
But my experience has taught me that life doesn’t really work or feel like that.
We grow. We change. We become more aware of ourselves and the things that shape us.
And as we do, new layers begin to come away.
Things we weren’t ready to see before may become clearer. Feelings we didn’t know how to process begin to make more sense. Patterns we thought we’d moved beyond can sometimes resurface (again & again!!)
We can find ourselves facing something familiar, wondering why (although really knowing) it’s here again when we thought we’d already worked through it.
I’m learning that this doesn’t necessarily mean we’ve gone backwards.
Sometimes we’re simply meeting something from a different place; with greater awareness, more understanding. Perhaps with a little more compassion for ourselves this time.
Healing isn’t always about getting rid of something forever. Sometimes it’s about changing our relationship with it. Accepting it. Reframing it.
The layers keep coming away
The longer I walk this path, the more I understand that recovery is about so much more than not drinking.
For me, it’s also about learning to understand myself.
It’s about becoming aware of my feelings, recognising my patterns and noticing the ways I might once have tried to avoid, suppress or change what was happening inside me.
It’s about being honest with myself, even when that honesty is uncomfortable; sometimes really uncomfortable.
And it’s about recognising that putting down one thing doesn’t automatically mean we’ve resolved everything underneath it.
There can be other layers to explore. Other experiences to understand. Other parts of ourselves that need patience and compassion.
This isn’t something I see as a failure or of “not being there yet.” It’s part of being human.
We are continually learning about ourselves and the world around us. We are shaped by our experiences, our relationships and the ways we’ve learned to navigate life.
Sometimes those ways of coping serve us for a time. Eventually, we may recognise that they no longer support the life we want to live.
That awareness gives us an opportunity to make a different choice.
And sometimes, that choice is simply to pause, breathe and allow ourselves to feel what we’re feeling without immediately needing to change it.
Choosing myself, one day at a time
If there’s one thing I keep coming back to, it’s the importance of continuing to choose myself.
Not in a selfish way, but in a way that recognises my responsibility to my own wellbeing and the life I want to create.
Choosing myself means continuing to choose recovery.
It means recognising that, however uncomfortable life might feel at times, using something to change how I feel isn’t a path I want to return to.
It means allowing myself to experience the full range of being human.
The joy, the sadness, the uncertainty, the frustration, the moments when everything feels clear and the moments when it doesn’t.
I don’t need to have all the answers.
I don’t need to have everything figured out.
And I don’t need to reach some imagined version of perfection before I can appreciate how far I’ve come.
I simply need to keep showing up.
There are days when that feels easy and days when it takes more conscious effort. There are times when I feel grounded in myself and times when life reminds me that I’m still learning.
But the choice remains…..
To stay present.
To keep growing.
To ask for help when I need it.
To take responsibility for my choices and to treat myself with compassion along the way.
Recovery, for me, is not about reaching a point where I never struggle. It’s about knowing that I don’t have to abandon myself when I do.
Sixteen years of gratitude
When I look back at the woman I was in November 2010, I feel such tenderness for her.
She couldn’t have known what lay ahead. She couldn’t have known how much her life would change or how much she would learn about herself along the way.
She simply took a step.
And then another.
Over the years, sobriety has given me the opportunity to build a life I am deeply grateful for, not always with perfection and mistakes have been made along the way.
It has allowed me to be more present in my relationships, to grow in my understanding of myself and to discover a deeper sense of purpose.
Today, through Deeper Awareness, I have the privilege of supporting other people as they navigate their own journeys of healing, guidance and growth.
I don’t share my story because I have everything worked out. I share it because I know what it feels like to want life to be different, to struggle to find a way forward and to wonder whether change is possible.
And I know that taking that first step can open a door to possibilities we cannot yet imagine.
I am grateful for the support that helped me begin. Grateful for the people who have walked alongside me. Grateful for the life I have today and for the opportunity to keep learning.
Most of all, I am grateful that I didn’t give up on myself.
If you’re on your own journey
Perhaps you’re working through recovery yourself. Perhaps you’re trying to change a pattern that no longer serves you. Perhaps you’ve been doing the work for years and have recently found yourself facing something you thought you’d already overcome.
If so, I hope you can offer yourself a little compassion.
You haven’t necessarily failed because something has resurfaced.
You don’t have to resolve every layer at once.
You don’t have to be perfect to be making progress.
Sometimes growth is recognising an old pattern sooner than you did before. Sometimes it’s asking for help rather than struggling alone. Sometimes it’s allowing yourself to feel something difficult without immediately reaching for a way to escape it.
And sometimes, growth is simply choosing to begin again.
Not from the beginning, but from where you are now, with everything you’ve learned along the way.
We are allowed to be works in progress.
We are allowed to keep learning.
And we are allowed to take our time.
Still choosing recovery
Sixteen years ago, I made a choice that changed the direction of my life.
Today, I continue to make that choice.
Not because I’ve reached the end of my healing journey, but because I know the life I want to live.
Sixteen years sober.
Still learning. Still growing. Still healing. Still choosing recovery.
One day at a time.
And so very grateful that I began.
Victoria Palmer
Deeper Awareness – Healing • Guidance • Growth
Help is available:
There are many resources available and these are of course very personal. I have added the details for AA below; there are loads of meetings in-person and online and free resources plus people that can help via the phone life. You can also reach out to local GP if you have a good relationship, Rehabs and friends that you know have stopped.
